Just passed the 2 year mark of my accident 3 days ago. I breathed in and out with deep long breathes, as if that will make me more prepared, as I entered Tan Tock Seng Hospital. There was this awkwardness in my body, as if not sure of what I was about to experience. As I stepped into Ward 3A/3B, I saw cliques of people mostly with the same downcasted and weary face. You see, uncle was a soccer coach, impacting many young lives out there in the field - both male and female. I went across and hugged my friend, as if there was this uplifting of all social properness as we reveal ourselves emotionally naked. She was always the tough cookie and chilli padi that she is.
After talking to her mum for awhile, we decided to go in to see the dad. I felt my heart pump a little faster, thinking of how I was going to do this - what God wants me to do. I went into the ICU ward and my friend introduced me to her dad as her band's new bassist. 'Hi Uncle, it's nice meeting you.' I greeted his motionless body, as we meet for the first time. After a couple of minutes of talking about his condition, what the nurses and doctors are doing to him, re-chilling the towel for his fever, we left. I left slightly frustrated because of my struggle to pray out loud for uncle, as if I was ashamed to pray when others I do not know of are looking. I had to bless them! When my friend was sending me to the lift, I asked her if I could pray for her. And her response as subtle as it is, strucked me like a 5-tonne trucker at 70. 'You should've prayed for my dad inside.' But I concluded that it was better than nothing at all, I wanted to pray for her. My concern was more for her mum, sister and herself. They had to handle so many things all at once.
I went back home after that and felt really heavy with what I just saw. Then as I was having dinner, the sms came,'We've decided to pull the plug after midnight.' I went down again later at night with the rest of my band. As I was at the check-in counter for visitors with my head slightly spinning, The receptionist requested for me to write down my details. ' Which ward and bed?' 'Uh... Ward 3A.... Bed.... 7.' As I continued to write my particulars, I came across the column 'Paitent's name'. I got stucked there for awhile, then I realised I didn't know his name. I went up the rows and then referred to previous entries and wrote it down. Ok, now I know.
I went up and there were at least 2 times more people than there was that evening I went. It was close to midnight. The atmosphere was almost drowning, intense. Most of the time I just sat there, believing that my presence there would have comforted her in one way or another. I couldn't think of anything else that I could do. I looked across to the other corridor and peeked through the tiny windows on the closed doors. That was where I was 2 years ago. Amazing. I took a picture of myself, now able, with the ward number. To me, it was a thanksgiving that I could come back healthy and revisit the place where it was between life and death for me. Something worth taking a picture of. From where I was standing, alive and well, 20 metres away in a room, someone was about to take his final breathe. Death isn't too far away for anyone. The line is thin, it was a solemn reminder that my 'borrowed time'(quoted from my friend) is precious. I had to think through whether what I'm blogging about now is worth my time. Yeah, definitely.
R.I.P Uncle. God bless.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
A reminder
It is almost 2 years from my accident, and it has been an amazing 2 years. With a heart of thanksgiving I say that everyday has been a gift. It can be loaded with work, filled with bad circumstances, but I dare say to be alive it's a blessing. And many people will beg to differ. Don't shortchange yourselves! With all humility, I tell you that you definitely do not know fully what life is when you say otherwise.
Today I had an amazing encounter. I think I'm pretty slow at seeing the whole picture most of the time, maybe it took me 2 years just to realise that there was a mistake in how I viewed things since my accident. I always felt, since my accident that I deserved the injuries that has been with me ever since - mainly my loose right knee which causes me a fair amount of discomfort. My doctor has told me to go for surgery ever since after my post-accident checkups and I simply refuse; mainly due to the fear of going back into the operation room and having to go through another healing process. So I always told myself that I have 2 choices. Either I live with a loose knee all my life or I go for that dreaded surgery. I guess till 1 week ago, my choice was still for the former.
But today... It was different. I was just having a normal day, trying to complete my assignments and getting things done in school when Daryl beeped me to join him for a seminar at PLMC in the evening. Initially, the first thoughts that was running through my head was the number of assignments that I had to complete. Then, I told myself that he has been asking me to join him for these seminars for a couple of times over and maybe this time round i should make the effort to clear the evening and drop by to take a look and maybe pick up a few pointers there. Oh, how short-sighted I was.
I went there, expecting to have some sort of a bible study session as they were mostly bible college students. Had a pretty decent time of worship (kinda distracted cos i went in prety late) and then sermon. Sermon started out like any typical American preacher, with jokes and questions to get 'amen' responses from the congregation. Then I realised he was touching on healing. 'Oh gosh', I said in my mind, 'so much for an intense word-based bible study'. I heard his words clearly, with my cynical logical brain doing lots of analysis on the claims he was making - making sure that I don't fall into the trap of the whole 'wealth sermon'. You see, days ago, my mum was telling me about how she was watching this video during cell group telling them about prosperity where healing and wealth will come your way and stuff like that. And she asked me how are we to relate to such a sermon when there was so much suffering around? She said obviously that is not true for everyone. Not every faithful follower of Christ that opens a business will succeed and become prosperous in terms of wealth isn't it? I do not know how to answer those question, up till now. But I was sure of what God spoke to me clearly through His Word tonight.
The preacher continued to refer to verses on healing like John 5:1-15. From this verse, it jumped up at me that the man Jesus healed DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS! This is absolutely radical to me. People and even certain preachers have told me that I've to be a believer of Christ to receive healing; come on, this wasn't just a cure of cough (I'm not downplaying other sicknesses, more of the extent of God's healing!), he was crippled (the word used was invalid[NIV]) for a long time but was healed instantly! It was unbelieveable! Still is... But it showed how my eyes were opened to things that previously was not made known to me.
Then the preacher went on to talk about how in Luke 8:42b-48 about the woman with the blood flow problem. She didn't see the miracles itself but only heard from people around her, yet in her desparateness she clung on to that belief that cured her instantly! I always looked at this story and think at the back of my head that this lady was just lucky. She bet on the right thing that's all. That may be true, but that's the reason why in situations like this, many people discover who God is or what He can do. When someone is desparate for help, they have this thing that drives them through all the trouble and pain to reach for that one thing. She chose the right thing! And I'm now happy for her that she did. It could've been drugs, alcohol or anger in this age to try numbing that sickness or failure that someone has. But who needs that anyway when there is a permanent cure? Through that lady's perseverance something beautiful happened.
Through these 2 examples, it revealed to me how God truly wants everyone to receive that healing! For me, it's my knee. I don't want to live with it anymore. I don't need to wish that I could once again run - which i truly love. God did not make me to fear or tell people how my knee is going to one day deteoriate into arthiritis. He is going to make me well. I'm convicted, running a risk of being delusioned, but I think it's worth it. It's worth everything I have to trust in Him. What God showed me today was how this is to be extended not just to trust Him for that physical healing, but in all aspects of my life - my attitude in making decisions. Truly, He is the cornerstone. Unshakeable! It's going to be hard for me to continually keep my faith going, but I'm absolutely sure that's part of the journey that is ahead for me.
Today I had an amazing encounter. I think I'm pretty slow at seeing the whole picture most of the time, maybe it took me 2 years just to realise that there was a mistake in how I viewed things since my accident. I always felt, since my accident that I deserved the injuries that has been with me ever since - mainly my loose right knee which causes me a fair amount of discomfort. My doctor has told me to go for surgery ever since after my post-accident checkups and I simply refuse; mainly due to the fear of going back into the operation room and having to go through another healing process. So I always told myself that I have 2 choices. Either I live with a loose knee all my life or I go for that dreaded surgery. I guess till 1 week ago, my choice was still for the former.
But today... It was different. I was just having a normal day, trying to complete my assignments and getting things done in school when Daryl beeped me to join him for a seminar at PLMC in the evening. Initially, the first thoughts that was running through my head was the number of assignments that I had to complete. Then, I told myself that he has been asking me to join him for these seminars for a couple of times over and maybe this time round i should make the effort to clear the evening and drop by to take a look and maybe pick up a few pointers there. Oh, how short-sighted I was.
I went there, expecting to have some sort of a bible study session as they were mostly bible college students. Had a pretty decent time of worship (kinda distracted cos i went in prety late) and then sermon. Sermon started out like any typical American preacher, with jokes and questions to get 'amen' responses from the congregation. Then I realised he was touching on healing. 'Oh gosh', I said in my mind, 'so much for an intense word-based bible study'. I heard his words clearly, with my cynical logical brain doing lots of analysis on the claims he was making - making sure that I don't fall into the trap of the whole 'wealth sermon'. You see, days ago, my mum was telling me about how she was watching this video during cell group telling them about prosperity where healing and wealth will come your way and stuff like that. And she asked me how are we to relate to such a sermon when there was so much suffering around? She said obviously that is not true for everyone. Not every faithful follower of Christ that opens a business will succeed and become prosperous in terms of wealth isn't it? I do not know how to answer those question, up till now. But I was sure of what God spoke to me clearly through His Word tonight.
The preacher continued to refer to verses on healing like John 5:1-15. From this verse, it jumped up at me that the man Jesus healed DID NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS! This is absolutely radical to me. People and even certain preachers have told me that I've to be a believer of Christ to receive healing; come on, this wasn't just a cure of cough (I'm not downplaying other sicknesses, more of the extent of God's healing!), he was crippled (the word used was invalid[NIV]) for a long time but was healed instantly! It was unbelieveable! Still is... But it showed how my eyes were opened to things that previously was not made known to me.
Then the preacher went on to talk about how in Luke 8:42b-48 about the woman with the blood flow problem. She didn't see the miracles itself but only heard from people around her, yet in her desparateness she clung on to that belief that cured her instantly! I always looked at this story and think at the back of my head that this lady was just lucky. She bet on the right thing that's all. That may be true, but that's the reason why in situations like this, many people discover who God is or what He can do. When someone is desparate for help, they have this thing that drives them through all the trouble and pain to reach for that one thing. She chose the right thing! And I'm now happy for her that she did. It could've been drugs, alcohol or anger in this age to try numbing that sickness or failure that someone has. But who needs that anyway when there is a permanent cure? Through that lady's perseverance something beautiful happened.
Through these 2 examples, it revealed to me how God truly wants everyone to receive that healing! For me, it's my knee. I don't want to live with it anymore. I don't need to wish that I could once again run - which i truly love. God did not make me to fear or tell people how my knee is going to one day deteoriate into arthiritis. He is going to make me well. I'm convicted, running a risk of being delusioned, but I think it's worth it. It's worth everything I have to trust in Him. What God showed me today was how this is to be extended not just to trust Him for that physical healing, but in all aspects of my life - my attitude in making decisions. Truly, He is the cornerstone. Unshakeable! It's going to be hard for me to continually keep my faith going, but I'm absolutely sure that's part of the journey that is ahead for me.
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